Things I Think Single People Do

November 30, 2011

That looks like a lot of food for a single person, don’t you think?

Publisher’s Weekly has named this book The Worst Book Ever. Follow the link for reviews and commentary of a Three Wolf Moon grade.

Now, if you’re like Sonia Allison, a single person who hugs microwaves (for warmth? for love? for companionship? for an increased risk of cancer?), this is actually THE BEST BOOK EVER.

On a personal note, when I was in middle school Home Economics we were forced to watch what is perhaps the ~~worst~~ best instructional video of the early 90’s on cooking with microwaves. It had a big section on safety.

I tried to find it for you, but after extensive googling of terms like “Microwave Safety Instructional Video 90s VHS” I gave up and decided this and this other one were good enough.
Just like in middle school, I think I fell asleep at 1:02 and 0:27 respectively.

There was another video, that was made in the 80’s according to the style of dress and hair, that told me that if I get stood up for lunch (by who I can only assume is Patrick Bateman) that I should leave a tip and politely leave the table without ordering. Then they probably went on to place settings and blah-biddy-bloo-bloo fancy pants. Anyway, I digress, that video is another post.

It’s obvious at the point you insert this into your curriculum that you don’t have high expectations for your pre-teen students cooking beyond a level of cheesy hot dogs (ingredients: Kraft Singles, Hot dogs, and Pillsbury Crescent Rolls) and with the assistance of the microwave. I also believe that the same high school’s Home Economics: Cooking II, which required Cooking I with all it’s Sandra Lee Semi-homemade values, was all about mastering THE EGG and the many ways you could cook it. Including in the microwave.

While I can’t roll a French omelet like Julia Child, my eggs are restaurant worthy, and have been since I was middle school. I had always been a little bit disastrous in the kitchen, but able to cook well, until I got this cookbook from my mother after she saw I couldn’t pull myself away from my godmother’s copy.

I learned how to cook excellently, single or not, and now I’m pretty damn fantastic in the kitchen. I’ll be damned if you catch me huggin’ any microwave.

1:07pm | URL: http://tmblr.co/Zrm0DyCdlIbs

Filed under: books for single people eating alone

November 18, 2011

12 - Have dinner at Whole Foods

After the 9-to-5 you’re hungry. You’re a conscientious human being who appreciates hot, good quality food. And being a single income, no-kids, no-spouse kind of person you can afford the finer things in life like the Whole Foods hot bar and prepared foods section.

Yes, in that crowded cafe you’ll find yourself with a mouthful of roasted potatoes and surrounded by other singles who are care-free and enjoying not having to cook dinner for anyone. The only thing people are going to notice are if you’re putting your empties in the right recycling bin or not. There’s even counter-style seating so you can stare out into the parking lot with a full belly and a lonely heart, not having to make eye contact with anyone, but being able to judge others based on the kind of car they drive.

Such is the life of a single, modern yuppie.

10:41am | URL: http://tmblr.co/Zrm0DyC52O6E

Filed under: eating alone

October 22, 2011

11 - Inspire the makers of small kitchen appliances

Come on, you’ve must have seen the single cup coffee maker and thought “man, isn’t that convenient - I only need to make coffee for one!”

That’s because you’re (a) a single person or (b) living with some robot who doesn’t drink coffee. Because if you were living with a human in a romantic way, it would be entirely impolite to not make enough coffee for them too.

I’m not talking about those damn (wasteful) pod or k-cup machines. I’m talking about this junk:

Imma break in like straight up A WEEK.

They made it with the single person in mind, to make you sad. Or how about this crud:

suckaaaaa

Kitchen Aid knows that you only need a 3-cup capacity for your single serving [insert dinner here]. Or what about this math:

There's even COLORS.

They think that you are a discerning individual who wants to both have a blender color that suits your personality AND makes frozen alcoholic drinks for one.

What jerks, huh? Well throw it back in their face single people. BUY THE LARGEST CAPACITY APPLIANCE POSSIBLE because one day you might have a family of TEN and that’s an investment.

2:06pm | URL: http://tmblr.co/Zrm0DyA_DAg6

Filed under: living alone

June 22, 2011

10 - Go to amusement parks

I hear there’s such a thing as single-rider lines. If you’re a single person, you can go on whatever rides you want, right? There’s always going to be a spot for you in that cart with the odd-numbered group. Man, you could go through a ride like five times in the time in takes non-single people to go through once. Also you won’t have a whining dude/chick who can’t go on the spiny rides when you want to go on them. You’re always the winner of the “what ride should we go on next” game.

Seriously, if you’re single and NOT taking advantage of this, you’re a chump.

11:23pm | URL: http://tmblr.co/Zrm0Dy6MBHyh

(Notes: 1)

Filed under: traveling alone

August 10, 2010

9 - Build elaborate costumes for conventions

I mean, don’t get me wrong, this is kind of awesome. I just think it’s something that single people do.
(Mass Effect Cosplayers)

10:59am | URL: http://tmblr.co/Zrm0DytZ-EQ

Filed under: free time

July 30, 2010

8 - Eat a lot of frozen food

Have you noticed that a good majority of pre-prepared frozen food is only enough for one person? It’s because the frozen food industry thinks that single people don’t cook. Sure you may have a sauce pan and a skillet (respectively for tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches) if you’re single, but those perfectly portioned pizzas were made for people like you. Hell, it’s just easier and cheaper to throw those hot pockets in the microwave than to make a damn panini anyway.

Frozen food in general is great for single people. Only need one chicken breast? Done. Freeze the other 3 and use them when YOU want to. Got a blender? Buy frozen fruit and make yourself some fruity frozen juice drink. Want to bake cookies, but you’re single and don’t want to have 23 cookies just hanging out in your kitchen (obviously because people will think they’re all for you)? Bake a huge batch and freeze the rest.

Everyone should learn how to cook beyond pasta and eggs regardless to, you know, live. But my biggest piece of advice to a guy/girl looking to un-single him/her self - read some cookbooks and pick up a few recipes to make your own. Chicks/dudes love a dude/chick that can cook.

Even if you don’t want to un-single yourself, and props to you, do you know how many frickin’ chemicals are in that junk anyway? Abajillion and sixty-two. Which frozen pre-prepared junk am I talking about? All of them. On average. Fact.

1:30pm | URL: http://tmblr.co/Zrm0DyqUdmj

Filed under: living alone eating alone

July 30, 2010

comicallyvintage:

I’m So Confused. My Lipstick Was All Right…

I hope single people don’t do this. But I still think they do it anyway.

11:07am | URL: http://tmblr.co/Zrm0DyqSuXb

(Notes: 216)

Filed under: all the single ladies

July 29, 2010

thedailywhat:

Catch of the Day: On behalf of the entire male population, I would like to formally concede defeat and step aside.

Have at him, ladies.

[reddit.]

2:38pm | URL: http://tmblr.co/Zrm0DyqE4a6

(Notes: 715)

Filed under: c'monnn internet dating

July 29, 2010

7 - Smoke

Not every single person smokes. And not that you can’t smoke when you’re in a relationship, but there comes a time in every single smoker’s life where they meet someone. Someone really special. Someone who doesn’t smoke. They care about your long-term health and above all else they want to kiss you. Maybe even live with you.

There comes a point in every single smoker’s life where they have to choose to quit or be discrete about their smoking. Porches in the winter were bad enough, but you’ll have to do it more often. Maybe even resort to fans in the bathroom and hanging out of that tiny, tiny window to live through it. You will be contributing to the stock price of your favorite brand of dental products. It’ll define you. It’ll bother your significant other.

...wait, maybe that's not so bad.

Or you can give up and wait until you find “the ‘other’ the one” who also smokes. And you’ll live together. And you’ll stain the ceilings and walls with the smoke you’ll exhale together. You can’t change your health unless someone gives you a reason to change your own mind.

So, smoke away until you find that person, because it’s going to be hard. And you’re not going to be able to ignore it.

2:27pm | URL: http://tmblr.co/Zrm0DyqDwAo

Filed under: habits personal experience

July 28, 2010